I recently received this email from a good friend of mine. We went to school together, and he’s been a little distraught over the state of things at our Alma Mater.
> ####Oct 4, 2004: Sidney Givens.
> There have been studies that have shown that the amount of financial donations a college/university receives has a direct relationship with a university’s/college’s athletic teams. As a very shallow individual, I can identify with such spurious logic; the success of Alabama’s football team is an absolutely necessary, though not necessarily sufficient, condition for me to EVER send a dime to the Capstone.
> As you are undoubtedly aware, our alma mater’s football team is in dire straights; their pathetic performance this past Saturday, a day in which our hated rival Auburn throttled Tennessee, subsequently rocketing them up to #6 in the polls, was highly reminiscent of the French Army’s performance in 1940 and casts a shadow of shame and humiliation upon us all. To make matters worse, there will probably be no movement after the season to take the drastic measures necessary to ameliorate this unbearable situation. The drastic measures needed are sending Mike Shula to work cooking steaks for his daddy at Shula’s Steakhouse and hiring the eminently available Steve Spurrier.
> If athletic success is indeed necessary for a university to loosen up donors’ pursetrings, then the University of Alabama will do good to even get donations in Confederate script (I’m sure the KAs have plenty of it lying around) under current circumstances. Desperate times call for desperate measures and it may take financial inducements for the UA brain trust to make the required human resource changes in the athletic department. In other words, we the alumni must make it known that alumni donations will flow like manna from heaven if the UA administration will bring the college football equivalent of Ulysses S. Grant to replace the equivalent of George McClellan that is currently masquerading as our football coach.
> As such, I, Sidney Givens, make the following pledge. If our beloved alma mater hires Steve Spurrier as our next football coach, I will make a financial donation to the institution. (Butch Davis would also induce a donation, though a less sizeable one. )
> Who will be the specific recipient of my largesse? The beneficiary of my gratitude will be the College of Human Environmental Sciences (the Home Economics School). Why HES? Because I want my money put to use in a way that has even less redeeming social value than giving it directly to the football team itself. In my mind, the HES school teaches “Suzies� pursuing their Mrs-degrees how to cook Spaghettios, only to get married to some Deke or SAE who will have enough inherited wealth on hand to afford hired help, thereby making the young lass’ education completely worthless. A worthy cause indeed.
> (To make a donation to HES, go to [https://www.edmedia.ua.edu/alumni/hes/][hesURL].)
> If my wishes are not granted, I pledge to make phony reservations at least once a week to the D.C. branch of Shula’s Steakhouse.
I’m just going to let this work speak for itself.
[hesURL]: https://www.edmedia.ua.edu/alumni/hes/